goodnight i made you a song goodbye
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
