at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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