I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
