Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
barbara walters just said penis...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
