at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
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You. Win. At. Life.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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