i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
