Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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