MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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