wanna go halves on a baby?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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