in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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