Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
