i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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