Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
NoShamevember. You game?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
