I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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