Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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