he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
