Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
