why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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