you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
