you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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