i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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