JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
