Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I wish I only lived at night.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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