You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
