His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
