she woke up with a sticky ear
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
