i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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