Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
