I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
