I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
