I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
worst night to have a conscience
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
