So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
