i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
