just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
