A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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