stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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