Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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