First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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