I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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