Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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