i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
