oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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