Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
