That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
