No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
