and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I think your dad took our porno
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
