I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
