Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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