i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
