nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
40s are totally the cure
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
